Review: Cold Showers
Well, honestly, not all that broken up about it, maybe. She goes to a bar and tells the bartender she intends to get fucked up and fucked in that order (Wait, no, that's what Amalia True says in the 6th episode of "The Nevers"). Jayda drinks even though she doesn't normally drink and she catches the eye of Sebastian Miller, notorious playboy and looking for someone to take to Bonetown. Jayda is not impressed by him, though she does find him handsome. He is initially obnoxious because he doesn't usually have to work hard to get a chick to go with him and this one is presenting a challenge. Anyway, he is intrigued because he believes she's playing hard to get. True love.
Jayda is not exactly in the best frame of mind because she's upset about her boyfriend and she's drunk. But this stranger is sexy and thinks she's pretty and he's inviting her to go somewhere else. Girl, this is how you end up sealed in a blue steel drum and buried in the desert and featured on Dateline NBC with Lester Holt.
So they do the horizontal tango and Jayda, busy career woman that she is, never got around to getting rid of that pesky virginity until this very evening with this very virile man. Sebastian tells her he's honored to be her Cherry Poppin' Daddy and he uses a condom the first time they do it. Safety first, kids! But they do it a couple times more that night and condoms became optional. The next day, he tries to give her two hundred dollars. Two hundred dollars? Motherfucker!! She gave you her virginity. Cheap-ass no-good son of a bitch. But Jayda gets mad because she's not a whore, not because he low-balled her (4 times). She tells him to jump up his own ass and die (I wish) and goes straight to the office in the same outfit she wore yesterday (walk of shame + workday of shame). She's determined to forget that guy ever existed, but he just happens to be the cousin of her dear best friend, Liz. But more on that later.
Hello, Jayda is obviously not a whore. Everyone knows that virginity is the great divider of the whores from the whore-nots. Thanks, Sebastian.
Sebastian Miller, notorious playboy and bad boy billionaire, just cannot forget about that woman. He can't even make sweet monkey love to another lady anymore because that other ho is stuck on his mind. Damn, son. The last time Sebastian got stuck on a ho, she broke his heart bad. Turned out she didn't even love him. She didn't even love his doggy style (90s Snoop Dogg reference for you kiddos). She just wanted his cold hard cash. So Sebastian swore to himself, never again. No way. No how. No more triflin' hos.
Just as he's fixing to forget all about that mystery lady, he gets served in his own office with a restraining order, the 200 bucks he gave that lady, and a document demanding that he terminate all his paternal rights. Damn, that's cold. Obviously, Sebastian thinks this is a ploy to get his attention, so he charges toward her office in order to confront her and she's like, hi, what part of restraining order do you not understand, motherfucker?
And then he finds out she's this classy lawyer who wears skirt-suits to work and is apparently pretty good at suing people and his younger sister is her new intern and thinks the world of her. Oh, and his bitchy, meddling cousin Liz is her best friend. Sebastian makes a complete one-eighty and decides he's one hundred percent arse over tit in love with her, instead and would love to beg for her forgiveness. Naturally, since he said such terrible, misogynistic, awful things to her that no one should ever say to anybody, Jayda never wants to speak to him ever again. Why would she? This guy was a jerk of epic proportions. God, he was terrible!!
Sebastian seeks the advice of his momma and cries on her lap and she tells him he should maybe stop being a dickbag. Just because one ho dicked you over, doesn't mean all hos will. Dag, momma didn't raise that boy right. Sebastian also leans on the advice of his former wingman who is very glad that his best friend is trying to turn over a new leaf. Meanwhile, the roads we walk on have devils underneath and Sebastian's have been waiting for a long time.
Jayda decides to give the guy a break. He seems sincere about wanting to get involved in the baby's life. Jayda makes it clear that she's not included in the bargain, just the baby. But Sebastian turns out to be super sweet and considerate and caring, so Jayda soon finds herself depending on him and falling for him. Bad news bears. There's trouble afoot for Sebastian.
Sorry, Seb. Did you really think you could have sex with half the Eastern Seaboard and not incur consequences? As it turns out, Sebastian is already a baby daddy. Uh-oh. He decides to keep the news from Jayda because things are just developing nicely between them and it's still early and he's afraid he'd lose her…
So why not let her find out from the tabloids! Really? Well, I guess people give a crap about who Jeff Bezos is dating, so this could be a thing. At first I was like, who gives a crap about who some random billionaire playboy is dating? Bill Gates is single now, you say? Sign me up.
Then Sebastian's fear of all women are whores just out to get him rears its ugly head and he fights with Jada in the worst way. He doesn't really believe this about Jada. It's just his insecurities messing with his head and he's lashing out at everyone. He becomes extremely possessive of Jayda, thinking she's cheating on him; he even accuses his best friend, who tells him he's being an enormous dickbag who needs to cool it, Yolanda, cool it (that's a "Pulp Fiction" reference also from the 90s). Man, Sebastian, pick a lane and stay in it. Are you this kind, considerate, trusting guy who loves Jayda or this insecure, inconsiderate dickbag who lashes out at people because you can't get what you want when you want it? Chill, Yolanda. Take a Cold Shower.
You know, no one actually takes a cold shower in this story. I was kind of disappointed. For a guy who presented as a total hornball in the beginning, Sebastian sure had his love jones in check. I'm used to heroes having nonstop boner thoughts, so this was a nice change of pace. I would have thought there would be scenes of Sebastian wanting sex but Jayda wants to take things slow and he respects that, so he takes COLD SHOWERS to cool off. I read zero instance of this. I looked. At least show Sebastian struggling with abstinence because he was shown in the first part of the book as a horndog who has no compunctions about doing it with a prostitute (not that there's anything wrong with that -- or with being a prostitute, it's a living).
Speaking of sex, that first sex scene in the beginning was just… awkward. It was just the way it was written. It made me think a couple of times, "Body parts don't work that way."
Maybe it was the word choices, which is also a problem for the rest of the novel. There are a few grammatical errors: subject-verb agreement, verb tense, word usage, punctuation errors, and syntax issues. They are not overly distracting as I was able to read the novel from beginning to end as it was oddly compelling. I think it's the high-drama aspect of the situations and the cliffhangers at the end of the chapters. The stakes are always so high! One false move and he could lose the love of his life!
Sebastian was also good at the groveling. I do enjoy a hero who grovels after being a dick for a good forty percent of the story. Jayda was a serviceable heroine. There wasn't really a lot for her to do except react to what Sebastian does. I do like that she does actual lawyerly things, though, and Sebastian goes to see her in action in court, which was kind of cool.
I also appreciate that the author gives us a B-plot of the best friend who is suffering from the opposite fate of Jayda, although this couple wasn't really given much development to make a true impact. Their issues are resolved without much fanfare.
I read this book in a matter of hours, so the pacing is good and there were some nice "mini pay-off" moments. 2.5/5
Author is Omolade Ayisat.
Post a Comment